Instructions for the Babysitter

• ·      First of all, make yourself at home, help yourself to anything in the fridge, and have fun with Cooper.
• ·      Jenny and I should be home no later than 11pm – our date nights aren’t as crazy as they used to be (when we used to just call them “nights”!)
• ·      Cooper’s bedtime is 8pm, but if he’s behaving (which he usually does!) you can stretch it to 8:30.
• ·      Cooper is allowed to watch tv before bed. He may tell you he’s watched all of the Paranormal Activity movies. He hasn’t. Don’t let him.
• ·      Emergency numbers are by the phone. The most important one is Cooper’s pediatrician. Not that you’re going to need it, because nothing is going to happen, but if something does, just leave a message for whoever’s on call tonight. (Then call us, obviously!)
• ·      If Dr. Mansour calls you back, that’s great. We love him. If it’s Dr. Stein, he can be…tricky. Like one night last year Cooper had a fever, and Stein called me back – and right away I hear restaurant noise in the background, so I obviously have his full attention (not) – and he tells me that it “isn’t an emergency” and that fever care “is covered on our web site.” Ooh, thanks. My kid can’t sleep, and you’re handing me off to Seth the Cartoon Stethoscope? Yeah, no. So if you get Stein (which you won’t, because there won’t be any emergencies) maybe say “vomiting blood” to make him put the wine list down, then tell him the real stuff.
• ·      Our cell numbers are by the phone, as well. Do not hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns. I know you may think, “I don’t want to interrupt their date night.” But lately the only thing you’d be interrupting is us fighting about kindergarten applications. Please call!
• ·      Regarding the fridge: again, help yourself to anything except don’t open the crisper drawer on the right. Don’t open it and don’t adjust the humidity setting, which is precisely 55%.
• ·      Don’t be discouraged by the rut that Jenny and I seem to be in. It’s just that, as a relationship evolves, it changes. “Ripens” is a word someone told us recently, and when you think of it that way, it’s a good thing. The fruit that’s all passion and unscheduled date nights? That falls off the tree early and gets pooped on by bears. The fruit that learns to be a respectful partnership lasts. Ripens.
• ·      Cooper may tell you his name is Evelyn. It’s not. That’s his middle name, which was also Jenny’s dad’s name. We did it to make the old man cool with us getting married after Jenny was already knocked up, but we agreed it was never going to be, like, used. So guess who started calling our son “Evelyn” after her dad died? Doesn’t sound like a very respectful partnership thing to do, does it? But guess who’s an “insensitive asshole” for thinking that your son introducing himself as Evelyn at the Branches School evaluation didn’t, you know, help? Guess why it was suggested we could use some date nights?
• ·      Wait a minute, you go to the Branches School, don’t you? Do you like it? Do you know Pamela in Admissions?
• ·      Wait a minute, is Pamela your mom? Now that’s a crazy coincidence!
• ·      After Cooper has gone to bed (by 8:30, tops!) feel free to watch anything on tv. Don’t bother checking out our DVR, though – we probably watch totally different shows. And I’m not sure why that Spanish woman’s exercise infomercial got recorded, or how it ended up in the Top Gear folder, or why it’s paused at “Las Nalgas,” which apparently means “The Butt.”
• ·      You may find Cooper to be precocious. He’s always been very verbal, and while he plays well in groups, he likes to be what is called a “pivot.” But he also loves imaginary play and is very task-oriented, so we’re sure you’ll have fun with him!
• ·      Would you feel comfortable mentioning that last bit to your mom tomorrow? No pressure, it’s just that I’m sure Jenny and I will be in a better place once this school crap is settled.
• ·      Did we discuss your rate yet? We were thinking $20/hour. Let me know if that’s…enough.
• ·      If you do open the crisper drawer, which would be odd because I think I’ve been pretty clear about you not doing that, you will note that I buy a special kind of kale called “Brain Fucker.”
• ·      Please CLOSE THE GODDAMN DRAWER
• ·      See you later! Have fun!